The Best Joke in the World
October 22, 2003 - 8:42 p.m.
Grab a comfy seat, and something to drink, cuz it's long and good (unlike slsuby, who is normally quick and not so good)
Here we go:
From the time that Sam could walk and talk, he loved clowns. Everything he had in his room involved a clown in someway: clown nightlight, clown bedspread, clown chairs, you name it, he had it. What made his obsession for clowns so strange was that he had never been to a circus and seen a clown.
For his 4th birthday, Sam's parents decided to take him to the circus. They held off on telling him until the week before the show, because they new that would be all he would think and talk about. Sure enough, once he found out he was going to see real clowns, he flipped out. His pre-school teacher called home every day, complaining that Sam wouldn't focus, and was constantly distracting everyone around him by talking about these clowns. His parents apologized, and kept him out of school for the 2 days before the big show.
On the big day, Sam is up with the chickens, ready to go, and can't wait. It takes about an hour to get to the circus, and the entire trip was like an FAQ on clowns... "Did you know clowns can do this?" and "Did you know that clowns can do that?". His parents eventually opened the windows to try to drown him out.
Once they parked and started walking to the big top, Sam got really quiet. All the excitement had finally caught up with him, and he realized that in a few short minutes, he would get to see clowns with his very own eyes!
They took their seats in the front row by the center ring, and waited for the show to begin. First came the Ringmaster, who Sam could've cared less about. Then came the lion tamer, who Sam thought was good, but certainly not as good as some clowns. After the lion tamer came some dancing poodles, and Sam just thought they were stupid. "Where are the clowns??" he wondered, outloud and to no one in particular.
Then, right after the dancing poodles pranced off to their pens, the side flaps opened up, and in came the clowns! Not just one or two, but 20, maybe even 30 of them! Sam sat with both his jaw and his eyes wide open; this was it! His entire life had been leading up to this moment, and he couldn't believe it.
But wait! What's this?? A clown, coming right over to him! Looking at him straight in the eyes! This couldn't be happening... this is too amazing, Sam thought. Then, the clown spoke to him:
"And what's your name little boy?"
"..."
"I said, what's your name kid?"
"My...my name's... Sam."
"Do you know who I am, Sam?"
"A clown?" he whimpered nervously.
"A clown?? I am Jiggles, the greatest clown in the world! And you, are a moron!" the clown screamed, and then shot Sam in the face with a bottle of seltzer water.
Before Sam realized it, everyone around him was laughing, not at the clown, but at him. He burst into tears and ran screaming from the tent. His parents tried to calm him down, but it wasn't any use. Having one of his idols ridicule him in front of all those people had devastated him, and he was inconsolable.
When they got home, Sam trashed everything in his room that had to do with clowns. Gone was the clown nightlight, the bedspread, the chairs, even the crayons that came in a box shaped like a clowns head.
Sam's parents had to put him into therapy to try to help him, but that didn't work out to well. As Sam got older, and his life continued on a downward spiral, he realized what he needed to do to get his life back on track: He needed to confront Jiggles the Clown. No, more than that. He needed revenge, to make him pay for what he did.
Now 20 years old, Sam set out to get his revenge. He began to plan for the best revenge he could possibly exact on this clown who had ruined his formative years. In order to get himself ready, he decided to join the Army.
Sam went through his Army boot camp, and came out a certified marksman, in rifle, pistol, and hand grenades. He was trained on satellite technology, and soon became the best in his unit at tracking objects in the air, and on the ground.
When he finished his service, he went to work for a private satellite imaging company. His bosses loved the dedication he put towards the job, as he would stay late every night, and was always the first one in every morning. What his bosses didn't know was that Sam was scouring the country, looking for his hated and sworn enemy, Jiggles.
Finally, after a year and a half of searching, Sam found Jiggles working at for a small carnival in the American southwest. Sam hopped on a plane as soon as he could, and was there in a matter of hours. The hour of his revenge drew nigh.
Sam rented a car and drove 45 minutes outside the city to where the circus was set up. As he parked and began he walk to the big top, all the feelings he had 20 years before came flooding back. The nervousness, the excitement, the giddy anticipation. Except now, these feelings were for the oppurtunity to confront that man that ruined him.
Sam took his seat in the front row, right by the center ring. He bought all the seats in that row, so he would be the only one there when Jiggles came out. The lights dimmed, and out stepped the Ringmaster. His suit was a little dirty, a little more frayed around the edges, but it was still the same man that Sam saw 20 years before, and he still wasn't very impressive.
After the Ringmaster came the lion tamer, and Sam could see how old the lions were, all gray and slow moving, years of arthritis catching up to them. There were no dancing poodles this time, and Sam secretly hoped that the lions had eaten them.
Instead of the poodles, they had some trapeze artists, but Sam wasn't at all interested in them. Wringing his hands together, sweat on his brow, he waited and waited.
At long last, the curtains were pulled back, and in came the clowns! Sam watched like a hawk to catch Jiggles the instant he came out. There! There he was! Sam's heart was beating hard against his chest. Jiggles staggered over in his general direction, and Sam was sure that he was looking for another small child whose life he could ruin.
When Jiggles got to the front row, and all he saw was Sam, he approached.
"What's your name buddy?", he slurred, obviously more than a little drunk.
This was it. It was finally going to happen! Revenge! "My name is Sam." he said cooly.
"Well Sham, do you know who I am?"
Gritting his teeth, hands clenched with rage, Sam replied, "No, I have no idea who you are"
"No idea, huh?! I'm Jiggles, the greatest clown in the world, and I think you are a moron!" he screamed, stumbling a bit.
This is it, Sam thought. The moment of justice... to put Jiggles in his place for once and for all, and stop him from shattering childrens dreams. He jumped up, pointed his finger right in Jiggles shocked face and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Oh yeah?! Phuck you clown! Phuck you!"
The End.
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The Best Joke in the World - October 22, 2003
Oh! We have company! - June 06, 2003
Fire Down Below - June 04, 2003
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